our first Christmas without Gimli

We lost our sweet boy July 22, 2024. It was the most devastating thing we've ever experienced. We have been navigating the grief and doing the best we could with it. Christmas just hit hard this year.

Tears- from nowhere- would just appear. Then, suddenly, we'd remember the profound emptiness in our home. Carrying on and keeping traditions like gift opening and the boys' G-ma being here were really important to us- for Smalls' wellbeing. But, I'm telling you it was hard. We'd just been through rehoming Wade Wilson. Smalls had become reactive to him and we- over time- realized the new puppy was the trigger. Turns out we were not ready for a puppy. Smalls wasn't ready for a new puppy.

When the loss of Gimli was fresh so many folks told us we should get a new puppy. We'd been working with Bluegrass Pug Rescue to get our application processed. When Gimli died we halted that process. After we lost him the rescue said they had 5 Pug puppies that one of their rescues just delivered. We were hesitant. But, we knew that we'd have the best home for a Pug. We'd rather go through all the puppy stuff like potty training just to know that baby had a good home.

It just wasn't the right fit. Smalls let us know, too, and I believe that Smalls is still grieving. When we first re-homed Wade Wilson Smalls 'episodes' (i.e. growling and spinning and reacting to stimuli that normally wouldn't bother him) went away. For at least a full month Smalls didn't have an episode.

Then, out of the blue, they reappeared. We are working hard to really try to listed to what Smalls is telling us. I know he can't actually tell us what's wrong. But, I believe we can listen and watch for signs and clues. I believe our sweet Smalls is still grieving his bubby.

We are too, buddy.

Gimli was our child and he was Smalls' best friend and playmate for over 8 years. Gimli was not a dog to us. He was family. He loved us and he gave us so much. Of course Smalls would still be grieving for him. It's all making sense now. But hindsight is a bitch. Am I right?

We believe Smalls is having these episodes maybe because he's not sure how to process this grief/loss. Yes. The initial trigger was Wade Wilson and all that puppy energy (man, I miss that baby :) But, now that Wilson is gone Smalls is left alone to process. The house is empty. He can't pile up with his bubby for a long, afternoon nap. There's an absence here and he feels that.

So, right now we are working to minimize Smalls' 'incidents' and to really keep Gimli's memory alive. I haven't changed the date on my desk calendar since that fateful day. We are taking it day by day and trying to just love on Smalls and reassure him. We are taking things at his pace. If he wants to walk and leads us that way, we go. If not, we don't force it.

All this to say grief is strange. It's necessary to process. It's profound and creates a deep hole where someone used to be. But, we are working through it- together. Stacey is my rock. I know that no matter what life throws at us -as long as I have him- we can get through it.

Christmas was tough. There were periods of good times. But, I did notice myself withdrawing from holiday events and gatherings with friends. I just didn't want to be festive with other folks. I'd listen to Christmas music which is normal for me. But then a sad song would come on and I'd turn it off. So, I'd say Christmas was different this year because we miss our boy. But, we also pressed on so that Smalls could feel loved and would have some fun.